I like to shy away from being the hack that makes the joke about a person right after they die.  Notice that there was no joke about Boner on Friday's show.  It has become the new way to show how edgy and clever you are.  That being said, this article will be in poor taste.

When is the last time you heard anything about Sea World?  I always saw it as a zoo with extra cruelty.  Believe it or not, the news isn't regularly showing the wonder of a woman riding a killer whale.  It is the same as going 80 mph in a car.  People used to think that if you went 35mph your skin would peel off.  Now I text and jerk off while driving between 80 and 85mph.  When a guy first saw a killer whale he thought about riding it, through perseverance, shitloads of nets, sedatives and a swift electric shock he was able to do it.  The world was turned upside down by it at the beginning.  Someone needed to capitalize and Sea World was there.  They have been around forever (I used forever because I don't feel like researching) and people aren't talking about riding killer whales anymore.

So if you are a CEO of a fucking half midway/half zoo what are you supposed to do when attendance dips?  What any carny would do asshole, you manufacture danger.  Jim Sea World III was sitting in his office with a cigar trying to figure out what is keeping the rubes from coming.  I picture him thinking aloud in an office "We have to get people to be scared of the fucking fish again, we can't just let it out to eat a customer, but, what if it ate a trainer?" one thing leads to another and you have this whole debacle.

Now, the whole world is talking about Sea World, Orcas, and the hippies that swim with killer whales.  I'll bet attendance is through the roof.  I say congratulations Sea World, for getting people to be afraid of Shamu again!

Its now official, Murder Rebel Radio has a section for all of their 'greatest hits' titled "The Bestest"

(all hits are chosen by the creators of Murder Rebel Radio and are for the sole purpose of self promotion, no guarantee of 'hit quality' is implied).

 These are 2-3 minute nibbles of filth to brighten up your rotten day (at least you didnt get shot at by the cops).

The best way to consume this junk food slurry is by subscribing to the feed. Put it in your google reader, subscribe to it through itunes (zune too! I used to have one but a hobo stole it).

Every day you can listen to the motivational teachings of 3.1 (Brandon really is only a .1, I am surprised at how wholesome that kid is) emotionally and socially detached wretches who are finding a way to carve a smile onto the face of the poor Wal-mart security guard that got beat up by 2 woman who proceeded to let fly a golden strand of urine onto his frowning face, I promise we are laughing with you.

Im not sure how happy I am with the title "the bestest", its funny to me because its really dumb, but it is also really dumb.

I always wanted to be the bestest, its ones half of a bestest-bestest, there is something better than best and its called bestest, the bestest basketball player always bought the bestest jordans, better than all the rest is the bestest, and bestest of all things bestest is that the bestest have yet to come.

I think that is the bestest represenation of my feelings about The Bestest blog. 

I promise that there will be a part where I change the nominees in this article, hence the word "fixes" in the title.  I read part 1 and it just looks like a standard article where a self important asshole picks winners.  I don't really know if I could have made it more dull, unless I added a little description of how the film made me feel inside next to each one.  Lets pick up the pace and get back to the nominees.....

Actress In a Leading Role

I watched The Blind Side.  It was shit.  There was not 1 single second of brilliance in that movie.  About halfway through I started to hope that it would turn into Wolverine Origins, or Epic Movie.  As a matter of fact, this fucking movie looks like one of those horrible parody movies.  If they weren't serious The Blind Side would have been genius.  Sandra Bullock just played a southern cunt.  I felt like I was sitting in a meeting between Sara Palin and the annoying cashier at a rural gas station that hasn't seen a customer in an hour.  I hated that character, and I hated Sandra Bullock for agreeing to play her.

I also saw An Education so I can say that I thought that Carey Mulligan was really good.  I am going to say that she should win the Academy Award, but Precious should win the award for most likely to never work in acting again.

Actor In a Supporting Role.

Here is where I fix the Oscars.  Matt Damon should be nominated, but for The Informant.  That movie was really great.  He would be the guy that I pick to win this one, if he wasn't nominated for Invictus.  I don't want to sit around watching a movie about a sport that looks stupid and homoerotic.  I don't understand rugby, and it looks stupid.

Christoph Waltz is my pick, he was one of my favorite movie villains of all time.  Heath Ledger was a great villain in The Dark Knight, which, upon further consideration, is a stupid movie.  Christoph Waltz was a great villain in a great movie.  Which is harder to do.  So suck it Heath Ledger.

Actor in a Leading Role

I don't understand why The Academy is so fucking obsessed with Invictus.  Morgan Freeman played Mandela and I am sure it was electrifying. 

Sam Rockwell should have replaced Morgan Freeman, I mean I'm sure Morgan Freeman was really good in that movie, but Sam Rockwell was fucking AMAZING in Moon.  It was a genius performance by a great actor.

George Clooney played a charming good looking guy who traveled a lot.  It was a good enough movie, but it just didn't seem like a stretch.

Jeff Bridges was fucking awesome in Crazy Heart.  I want him to win, and it looks like he will.  I just wish he would have buttoned his pants and wore a shirt more.  That character was a piece of shit, and if there is one thing I identify with, it is people who are pieces of shit.

Best Picture

Avatar was stupid.  I know why it was nominated, it looked really cool, but I am hoping that The Academy only saw it in 2-d so that all of the wonder of the special effects just look like a stupid cartoon with blue people.  

Here is where I make my first change.  Put The Informant in the place of The Blind Side.  It wouldn't have won, but it is a million times better than The Blind Side.  They only put The Blind Side in so that hayseeds and soccer moms will watch the show to see if their inspiring movie wins

Another switch happens with the grossly overrated District 9.  I know that people liked it, but they won't admit that it was kind of stupid.  The first 20 minutes, when it was still documentary style, was really interesting.  When that ended, and it turned into a retarded shoot em up movie, it was dumb.  If they were trying to show that an alien invasion would be kind of dull they did the message a great disservice by including giant robot suits and laser guns.  I would have rather seen Moon or Star Trek in this spot.  If they wanted a sci-fi movie, either one of those was much better.  

I am also tired of being told that District 9 was good because of the budget.  I don't give a fuck how much the movie costs.  I want to see a good film, not an expensive film.  Acting like a movie is good because it was cheap is like acting that my wife's 79 Nova was a great car because it only cost $500.00 and she got a year out of it.  

Another problem is Up.  Why did they put it up for best picture and best cartoon?  It seems like there is a category for cartoons and that would be a good place for Up.

I think I have hit all of the other films in previous categories, except for A Serious Man.  I loved that film, it was funny, and well acted.  It was also cheap to make, so according to the law of District 9, that gives it another feather in its cap.  I wouldn't mind if it won, but it won't.

My pick was made in August.  I am a huge fan of Inglorious Basterds.  I thought it was a perfect movie.  Quentin Tarentino is probably my favorite filmmaker.  I think I look at his movies like Star Wars fans look at George Lucas's movies.  Except for the fact that I am not overly critical.  I feel like I can sit down and go along for the ride in his movies.  I hope Basterds wins.

I am sure that they will give Best Picture to Avatar or The Hurt Locker.  Avatar is a shit heap, and The Hurt Locker was a pretty good movie.  I don't think I would be mad if The Hurt Locker won.  

So that is my Oscar article.  It wasn't that funny, but I guess it was something.

The Academy Awards are like 3 weeks away.  I like them in the same way that I like the Super Bowl.  I follow them for the whole season and then pay attention to like 6 minutes.  I usually just wait until they are over and look at the list of winners.  I do the same with the nominations, I wait until they are announced and then look at them later in the day.  I knew that there would be 10 best picture nominees, and I knew that I was going to disagree with some, I always do, but the Academy really took a shit this year. 

If you want to follow along with me, I will give you a link to the nominees.  I probably won't talk about all of them because I haven't seen all of them, but unless you are a critic, I have probably seen more than you.  So fuck you. http://oscar.go.com/nominations/nominees

Best Cartoon

I have a kid, so I have seen a few of these.  The Princess And The Frog looked like it was enjoyable enough in between naps.  My kid watched it intently and I read a book while it was on because I am an adult.  

My wife and kid kept saying that Coraline was weird, it looked like it was, but I was doing something on my computer like reading Wikipedia or something while they watched cartoons.

I am going to give the best Oscar To.......The Fantastic Mr. Fox because it is the best cartoon I have seen in years. It wasn't like a kids movie.  It was a Wes Anderson movie and Wes Anderson is awesome.

Actress In A Supporting Role

Those 2 women from Up In The Air are going to have to cancel themselves out.  Up In The Air was good, but not because of the one dimensional female characters.  They were really only there for George Clooney to act charming around.  

That Is why I want to give this award to Maggie Gyllenhall.  The only reason is because, unlike nerds and gay guys, I find her incredibly sexy, and she played white trash to the tee in Crazy Heart. She is really good in that movie.  If some drunk country singer lost my kid, I would have probably react in much the same way she did.  She probably is one of my favorite actresses, she is incredibly talented and I would always just default to her for an award.

Here is the truth, I was bored.  My wife and kid were watching The Goonies, like every other parent from my generation we try to get them to like the stuff that we did as kids, so that we can try to recreate the feeling that we had when we were her age.  It usually ends with my kid bored, and me figuring out that The Goonies sucks, and that kids are stupid.  If I had it my way I would be watching old Super Bowls on ESPN classic with that NFL Films guy making me feel a false sense of excitement that I probably never felt because I just started watching sports 3 years ago.

So I went to my computer.  That always leads straight to Facebook (unless I am alone, I can't focus on the mundane lives of others if there is a possibility that I could be running a batch).  Facebook sucks on Saturday nights.  All of my interesting friends are talking to interesting people, not posting passive aggressive messages to somebody that they are in a fight with in their real life.  This is when I get bored, so I go to my address bar and type the following.

www.fartface.com

I was half hoping that it would be this old Brazilian porn that Adam and I saw once where the girls were farting in each other's mouths.  That would have been best case scenario.  I did not get that. I just got a place holder with a picture of a Phillip's head screwdriver.  I looked at it for like a minute and decided that it was not what I was looking for.   I decided to type something else and I thought "Why add more to the word? Lets try trimming it" so I put my cursor in the address bar again and backspaced it to say:

www.fart.com

I hope you are following along by opening a new tab and looking at the sites that I am looking at because you already feel that sense of disappointment and anger that I feel.  If you haven't been following along I will tell you.  This website is less funny than those "clever"  things you hang in your cubicles.  I actually saw a George W. Bush doll that you could pull his finger and make him fart.  That is not comedy, it would be marginally funny if George W. Bush was known for cutting farts, but this is just nonsense.  There was also a shirt that had a picture of Sara Palin that said "vpilf".  What the fuck does that even have to do with farts?  I don't know what I expected, but the bar was so low that I had to find out who was behind it.  That is what lead me to the next site.  I found it on the bottom of fart.com.

www.iventure.com

The header on the page says "Iventure, brands that connect...".  This sickened me, because I pictured the guy coming up with that slogan and feeling really good about himself.  I decided to see what business this company was involved in.  I picture it as a loose office.  No cubicles, just couches and computers and people in jeans.  They are trying to build connections to things.   This is a sample conversation.

Fredrick Stanley:  Did you hear that Peter Tyler got the big fart.com account?

Johnny Stevemeyer:  No, but I just found this great little upstart out of Iowa that makes magnetic bumper stickers that say bad things about the driver like "Proud To Be Gay".

Jack Iventure:  We should put the bumper stickers on fart.com!!!

Fredrick Stanley and Johnny Stevemeyer in unison:  That is why the company is named after you!

I don't know what I was trying to prove with this.  It either shows that corporations suck and don't really value art or culture.  Or It shows that when I get bored I tend to type the exact same words that an 8 year old boy would type if given access to a computer.  I think that it symbolized the fact that a lot of the wild west aspects of the internet are coming to an end.  I mean, if fart.com is just some corporate entity that is interested in selling lowest common denominator comedy products, then I guess it is accurately giving a visual representation to what a nasty fart is, but fart.com could have been some kind of comedy.  Probably not the greatest thing in the world, but maybe sound clips of other people farting, that is not the point, designing fart.com is not my job, it is probably good work for a 10 year old boy.

This is how things go.  Radio companies have a whole bunch of commercials that they want to play you, but you aren't going to sit around listening to them.  So they put out the minimum amount of material to get you to listen to the maximum amount of commercials.  Music on the radio is dead, we have iPods.  So the radio companies try to get you to listen by putting personalities on that make you want to tune in and hear their take on Jersey Shore, and American Idol.  The problem is that only a few people own radio stations and they are all basically like Jack Iventure.

Radio could have been the most potent form of entertainment.  Adam, Brett, Brandon and I can cover news and entertainment in an hour and make you want to keep listening.  The reason we can do these things is because we don't have a Jack Iventure in our organization (I prefer to call it a cell, but the other guys won't go for it).  We just want to do funny radio.  I don't give a fuck where it goes, but I can promise that we will never sell our Domain to iventure.com.