Space Wizard

Volume 4

Book 8

Chapter 58

I want to talk to you about “drugs”. Not the drugs that people take every day and pretend they have no effect on their body because a doctor prescribed them, (that’s another chapter) but drugs that our modern society has deemed dangerous and illegal.

We should probably start with marijuana. When people smoke pot, they become one of two people, the entertainer or the observer. The entertainer gets a bit of a “jolt” from smoking. He needs to be the center of attention, lead the conversation, express how high he is and make sure that the audience is with him. The observer is exactly what his name means. He listens to the entertainer. He is ready for any trip he is bringing to the table. The entertainer, more often than not, is at his own residence. He has control over the entire environment and could send this whole thing into a debilitating spiral. If he does not, he becomes the host of a house that people know they can smoke at and be safe.

As you can tell marijuana is a pretty safe drug.

Let’s move onto the fun ones.

Cocaine: This is a drug that should only be done while drinking, doing this sober gives you the same effect as 3 red bulls. Who wants to pay $90 for three red bulls? No. For this drug you need to be drinking, heavily. Look into your past, somewhere you will find an embarrassing point. This point would not have happened if you had a nice key bump. Cocaine will take you from stumbling to “I can drive, What are you gay?”. This transition will only take as long as your straw is. Contrary to popular belief, don’t use a dollar. There are diseases on that shit. I suggest a burger king straw.

Onto the party famous XTC. Or ecstasy, as the kids call it now a days. This is a very tricky drug. Once you take it, don’t drink, you’re smothering the buzz.  You’re gonna need some water, shitty bass pounding music and some glow sticks. Hanging with people on this is great. You will discover some shit about people that you didn’t think anyone would talk about. The shitty part about this is the next day everyone will pretend it didn’t happen. I know, shitty right? What’s the point of taking some shitty pill with all kinds of unknown shit in it if everyone is going to forget it the next day.

This brings me to mushrooms. This is a great drug to take with a few close friends. Have a case of beer handy in case somebody crosses that edge. Once they hit you will laugh at the silliest shit. But you cant stop being happy for about 4 hours. The only reason I suggest the case is because some people stop the trip before others and drinking is a smooth way to transition.

Before we continue I want to talk to you about opiates. Vicodin, percocet, methadone, depacote and oxycontin. They are all a great way to feel awesome. When you take these you feel   warmth in your being that you will get from no other drug. It’s pretty amazing. The shitty part about it is human beings don’t know when to say when. These will inevitably ruin your life. There is no way around this without embarrassing rehab. If you have about 6 years of life to waste then I would suggest opiates. Otherwise, I say skip that shit. You may have seen heroin addicts on tv. This is where you will end up if you fuck with this order of drugs. I am not kidding you, steer clear if possible.

Now we get to the only drug that I think all people should take when they turn 25. When you take this you will actually feel a different way about your life. I’m not kidding. You can’t OD. It’s really cheap. It just takes dedication. You’re going to need a good 24 hours for this to run its course. At this point in your life you’re probably questioning your talents. College or not, you start wondering if you made the right choice in your life choice. With LSD you will learn more about yourself in a day than you have in 25 years. The public will have you believe that this is a scary drug. Believe it or not, most music/film that the public enjoys was created during an LSD trip. Always enjoy it with a few close friends. It will always make you see life in a way that you never thought possible. The social conscious will become accessible.

Believe it or not the way the media portrays “drugs” is a bit of a scare tactic. The side effects of these drugs aren’t listed in a quick scroll at the bottom of your TV screen. These are potions that have been used for centuries without side effects.



So we are all told that to be a good conversationalist you need active listening skills, but what I am offering here goes beyond nodding and looking the person in the eye. Here are some ways to make sure your discussions actually "active". If you aren't sweating by the end of a conversation then you aren't doing it right.

1. Dont let there be any silence, if someone pauses take that chance to fill the room with noise. This can be actual words or a series of "humphs", "grumbles", and "yeahs".
2. Always be finishing off a bag of chips, the way you peer around the edge of the bag will show that you are locked in on their words and commited to the conversation.
3. Whenever someone makes a good point throw your hands in the air and say "You're preaching to the choir here". That means every time they make a good point.
4. "Thats what im sayin' " will always win them over and keep things going.
5. When someone is in the middle of a long paragraph offer them a piece of gum, this break in concentration will demonstrate that you are always keeping them on their toes. A commitment to bettering the other persons skills will always put you in a good light.
6. Do a slow spin and say "sheeeit" on the way back around.
7. Be a hype man, whenever they finish a sentence just repeat what they said and give them a hearty five (low or high depends on the situation). People like contact, that includes high fives, slaps on the back, jabs to the ribs and any other creative idea you can conceive.

I hope these tips have been helpful and you can use them in your daily life. You will start to notice that people are going to be so intimidated by your skills that they will be looking off into the distance when you talk or trying to sneak away out of embarassment.

By now you’ve probably seen this video.

In the video a cop stops a girl for jaywalking and she resists arrest, pushes him and he punches her in the face. 

Jaywalking, seriously? You take time out of patrolling and stop to cite a girl for jaywalking.  This isn’t a big deal though. Maybe he was parked and she did it right in front of him. He has to do something otherwise our society will collapse into anarchy and the communists/terrorists win, right? She also pushed him which is incredibly stupid. I would feel pretty good about myself knowing that the only effective way I knew to take down a skinny 17 year old girl is to punch her in the face.

I love seeing police abuse people; it justifies my perpetual disdain for law enforcement. I know as a normal citizen I should think cops are great and really keep people in line. Here’s the thing though, they don’t keep people in line. They spend their time busting people for drugs, gambling and being drunk. If consenting adults are doing something and not hurting anyone, I don’t see the problem. I don’t care if they are having lights out knife fights. If they want to do it let them. Wasting money and time arresting people that are fulfilling an obvious need in society is stupid. If people wanted to get rid of drugs they would just stop doing them.

Back to this chick taking 4 to the face.

Anytime I post a police brutality video I always get these two statements, “You don’t know what happened before the camera turned on” or “What would you do in that situation?”

Guess what, I wouldn’t be in that situation. I don’t think highly enough of myself to think that I have the ability to judge other people’s actions and distribute punishment. I also don’t trust myself enough to be put in that situation and not lash out and hit someone. That’s why I’m not a cop. The same reason I couldn’t be a soldier. I know myself well enough that those situations would end badly if I were involved.

What these people are confirming is that cops are just ordinary people with a power complex, a gun and the right to beat the shit out of anyone for minor reasons. It is for that reason I avoid them as much as possible. Even the ones I know personally. 

We talked about a brilliant maneuver involving the dodgers and a seasoned confidence man by the name of Vladimir Shpunt on Murder Rebel Radio 45: Free Cigarette's.

I have lots of shit head free thinking atheist friends who dont see any sort of value in religion or spirituality. These people are trying to put a lot of lying confidence men out of a job. I would rather have these holy men working a scam that I can identify than going another angle that may be targeted at me. Shit, I know you cant measure or even prove the benefits of having a golden light fill your  "soul" but I can definitely count the stacked greenbacks of gurus, preachers, and healers. They certainly aren't complaining and neither am I. Im just thinking about tapping into that revenue stream.

I'm talking about the people who can quite simply look a man in the face and say "I have spiritual power" or "God spoke to me". Now they dont have to prove or display this power, they just need steely reserve (thank you hollywood for creating a perfectly mimicable mystic character). I think I could do this myself but I really dont have an interest, that's why I have added a new backburner plan to my ever increasing scam stove.

When accident meets opportunity. I can not wait for the day that I have a near death experience or am involved in some outrageous accident. Now of course I dont want this to happen, but instead of living in fear and always trying to play it safe I know that if get paralyzed and I can only move my eyelids I got my murder rebel radio friends to "interperate" my blinks into some spiritual cash flow.

Even better if you are still mobile like the case of Mr. Shpunt; living through a lightning strike, commercial vehicle accident, or scientific experiment is paramount in the world of holiness. You arent totally resting on you ability to bold face lie to someone, now you have a story that can be embelished into the most magnificient story line. Also when you go the route of not requiring religion its easier to rope more people in, you can get comic book readers, Sylvia Brown fans,  "the universe is god" folk, and even a few agnostics.

The nail in the coffin in this type of scam is requiring something of the person receiving your power. Make it something that is easy to forget or has to be done on their own time. Tell them they have to arrange stones in their back yard or that they need to always wash their left hand first. The first time this person comes to you because your magic powers didnt work out just vehemently express their inspid level of commitment to acheiveing greatness. This person is going to think back to the first time they accidentally washed their right hand first and cower. Once you see their eyes dart really dig it in, tell them they cant be a client any more and start to give them their money back. From here they will "know they can trust you" because you take this seriously and you aren't " doing it for the money". Hook, line, and sinker; also keep in mind to get referrals from your first client, this will build your book of business in no time because suckers always attract more suckers.

So to sum up here, if you life sucks and you hate your job why don't you give spiritual healer a try? Shit, you could fabricate an entire story about being in an accident if you want. For me I am waiting for the day this gift is delivered to me, I just might start belieiving in God if it does.