Volume 4

Book 8

Chapter 58

I want to talk to you about “drugs”. Not the drugs that people take every day and pretend they have no effect on their body because a doctor prescribed them, (that’s another chapter) but drugs that our modern society has deemed dangerous and illegal.

We should probably start with marijuana. When people smoke pot, they become one of two people, the entertainer or the observer. The entertainer gets a bit of a “jolt” from smoking. He needs to be the center of attention, lead the conversation, express how high he is and make sure that the audience is with him. The observer is exactly what his name means. He listens to the entertainer. He is ready for any trip he is bringing to the table. The entertainer, more often than not, is at his own residence. He has control over the entire environment and could send this whole thing into a debilitating spiral. If he does not, he becomes the host of a house that people know they can smoke at and be safe.

As you can tell marijuana is a pretty safe drug.

Let’s move onto the fun ones.

Cocaine: This is a drug that should only be done while drinking, doing this sober gives you the same effect as 3 red bulls. Who wants to pay $90 for three red bulls? No. For this drug you need to be drinking, heavily. Look into your past, somewhere you will find an embarrassing point. This point would not have happened if you had a nice key bump. Cocaine will take you from stumbling to “I can drive, What are you gay?”. This transition will only take as long as your straw is. Contrary to popular belief, don’t use a dollar. There are diseases on that shit. I suggest a burger king straw.

Onto the party famous XTC. Or ecstasy, as the kids call it now a days. This is a very tricky drug. Once you take it, don’t drink, you’re smothering the buzz.  You’re gonna need some water, shitty bass pounding music and some glow sticks. Hanging with people on this is great. You will discover some shit about people that you didn’t think anyone would talk about. The shitty part about this is the next day everyone will pretend it didn’t happen. I know, shitty right? What’s the point of taking some shitty pill with all kinds of unknown shit in it if everyone is going to forget it the next day.

This brings me to mushrooms. This is a great drug to take with a few close friends. Have a case of beer handy in case somebody crosses that edge. Once they hit you will laugh at the silliest shit. But you cant stop being happy for about 4 hours. The only reason I suggest the case is because some people stop the trip before others and drinking is a smooth way to transition.

Before we continue I want to talk to you about opiates. Vicodin, percocet, methadone, depacote and oxycontin. They are all a great way to feel awesome. When you take these you feel   warmth in your being that you will get from no other drug. It’s pretty amazing. The shitty part about it is human beings don’t know when to say when. These will inevitably ruin your life. There is no way around this without embarrassing rehab. If you have about 6 years of life to waste then I would suggest opiates. Otherwise, I say skip that shit. You may have seen heroin addicts on tv. This is where you will end up if you fuck with this order of drugs. I am not kidding you, steer clear if possible.

Now we get to the only drug that I think all people should take when they turn 25. When you take this you will actually feel a different way about your life. I’m not kidding. You can’t OD. It’s really cheap. It just takes dedication. You’re going to need a good 24 hours for this to run its course. At this point in your life you’re probably questioning your talents. College or not, you start wondering if you made the right choice in your life choice. With LSD you will learn more about yourself in a day than you have in 25 years. The public will have you believe that this is a scary drug. Believe it or not, most music/film that the public enjoys was created during an LSD trip. Always enjoy it with a few close friends. It will always make you see life in a way that you never thought possible. The social conscious will become accessible.

Believe it or not the way the media portrays “drugs” is a bit of a scare tactic. The side effects of these drugs aren’t listed in a quick scroll at the bottom of your TV screen. These are potions that have been used for centuries without side effects.



Space Wizard

Volume 2

Book 7

Chapter 8

Paragraph 34 – 37

Laughter. Think about it. It’s something you take for granted, every day. You see things throughout your day that bring a smile to your face. You don’t think twice. But there are certain things that actually make you laugh out loud. When you “laugh” it involves some sort of physical response. An actual movement in your belly that says “this is something other people should know about”. What is it about true comedy that makes you want to share it with others? Is it a need to fit in? Is it a need to feel better? Is it just a general need for others to share in your happiness?

Comedy only works if it’s something you have never heard or thought of before. But wait. Great comedy is an aspect of life you have thought of before but were never able to put into words. It’s something that you have thought and never had the balls to say or have never connected the situations.

We always think of our greatest comedians as real “groundbreakers”. But do we give them the credit they deserve? They test the public’s boundaries of what’s “acceptable” to discuss. These are things we are already discussing in our private lives, but we aren’t sure if others are doing the same. These people have the balls to expose themselves to the public and say

“hey, this is some shit I do, do you?”

The only way to get over a very depressing time in your life is to make a few jokes about it. That’s how I feel anyway. If you don’t feel the same you should try it. You will be amazed at how easy the sadness rolls off your back when you’re making jokes about your own misfortune. People are doing it when you’re not around anyway.

If we could all just take the misfortunes in life in stride and realize that life will go on, with or without you, we would see that all of life is a comedy. If you’re not making the jokes then someone else is having fun at your expense. And no one likes to pay for someone else’s entertainment, without getting a little for themselves.

1. Dont let there be any silence, if someone pauses take that chance to fill the room with noise. This can be actual words or a series of "humphs", "grumbles", and "yeahs".
2. Always be finishing off a bag of chips, the way you peer around the edge of the bag will show that you are locked in on their words and commited to the conversation.
3. Whenever someone makes a good point throw your hands in the air and say "You're preaching to the choir here". That means every time they make a good point.
4. "Thats what im sayin' " will always win them over and keep things going.
5. When someone is in the middle of a long paragraph offer them a piece of gum, this break in concentration will demonstrate that you are always keeping them on their toes. A commitment to bettering the other persons skills will always put you in a good light.
6. Do a slow spin and say "sheeeit" on the way back around.
7. Be a hype man, whenever they finish a sentence just repeat what they said and give them a hearty five (low or high depends on the situation). People like contact, that includes high fives, slaps on the back, jabs to the ribs and any other creative idea you can conceive.

I hope these tips have been helpful and you can use them in your daily life. You will start to notice that people are going to be so intimidated by your skills that they will be looking off into the distance when you talk or trying to sneak away out of embarassment.

In the video a cop stops a girl for jaywalking and she resists arrest, pushes him and he punches her in the face. 

Jaywalking, seriously? You take time out of patrolling and stop to cite a girl for jaywalking.  This isn’t a big deal though. Maybe he was parked and she did it right in front of him. He has to do something otherwise our society will collapse into anarchy and the communists/terrorists win, right? She also pushed him which is incredibly stupid. I would feel pretty good about myself knowing that the only effective way I knew to take down a skinny 17 year old girl is to punch her in the face.

I love seeing police abuse people; it justifies my perpetual disdain for law enforcement. I know as a normal citizen I should think cops are great and really keep people in line. Here’s the thing though, they don’t keep people in line. They spend their time busting people for drugs, gambling and being drunk. If consenting adults are doing something and not hurting anyone, I don’t see the problem. I don’t care if they are having lights out knife fights. If they want to do it let them. Wasting money and time arresting people that are fulfilling an obvious need in society is stupid. If people wanted to get rid of drugs they would just stop doing them.

Back to this chick taking 4 to the face.

Anytime I post a police brutality video I always get these two statements, “You don’t know what happened before the camera turned on” or “What would you do in that situation?”

Guess what, I wouldn’t be in that situation. I don’t think highly enough of myself to think that I have the ability to judge other people’s actions and distribute punishment. I also don’t trust myself enough to be put in that situation and not lash out and hit someone. That’s why I’m not a cop. The same reason I couldn’t be a soldier. I know myself well enough that those situations would end badly if I were involved.

What these people are confirming is that cops are just ordinary people with a power complex, a gun and the right to beat the shit out of anyone for minor reasons. It is for that reason I avoid them as much as possible. Even the ones I know personally. 

I have lots of shit head free thinking atheist friends who dont see any sort of value in religion or spirituality. These people are trying to put a lot of lying confidence men out of a job. I would rather have these holy men working a scam that I can identify than going another angle that may be targeted at me. Shit, I know you cant measure or even prove the benefits of having a golden light fill your  "soul" but I can definitely count the stacked greenbacks of gurus, preachers, and healers. They certainly aren't complaining and neither am I. Im just thinking about tapping into that revenue stream.

I'm talking about the people who can quite simply look a man in the face and say "I have spiritual power" or "God spoke to me". Now they dont have to prove or display this power, they just need steely reserve (thank you hollywood for creating a perfectly mimicable mystic character). I think I could do this myself but I really dont have an interest, that's why I have added a new backburner plan to my ever increasing scam stove.

When accident meets opportunity. I can not wait for the day that I have a near death experience or am involved in some outrageous accident. Now of course I dont want this to happen, but instead of living in fear and always trying to play it safe I know that if get paralyzed and I can only move my eyelids I got my murder rebel radio friends to "interperate" my blinks into some spiritual cash flow.

Even better if you are still mobile like the case of Mr. Shpunt; living through a lightning strike, commercial vehicle accident, or scientific experiment is paramount in the world of holiness. You arent totally resting on you ability to bold face lie to someone, now you have a story that can be embelished into the most magnificient story line. Also when you go the route of not requiring religion its easier to rope more people in, you can get comic book readers, Sylvia Brown fans,  "the universe is god" folk, and even a few agnostics.

The nail in the coffin in this type of scam is requiring something of the person receiving your power. Make it something that is easy to forget or has to be done on their own time. Tell them they have to arrange stones in their back yard or that they need to always wash their left hand first. The first time this person comes to you because your magic powers didnt work out just vehemently express their inspid level of commitment to acheiveing greatness. This person is going to think back to the first time they accidentally washed their right hand first and cower. Once you see their eyes dart really dig it in, tell them they cant be a client any more and start to give them their money back. From here they will "know they can trust you" because you take this seriously and you aren't " doing it for the money". Hook, line, and sinker; also keep in mind to get referrals from your first client, this will build your book of business in no time because suckers always attract more suckers.

So to sum up here, if you life sucks and you hate your job why don't you give spiritual healer a try? Shit, you could fabricate an entire story about being in an accident if you want. For me I am waiting for the day this gift is delivered to me, I just might start belieiving in God if it does.

In Murder Rebel Radio 44:  White Line Fever  

We spoke of a mythical store who would refuse to give change to the customers.  It was one of our theories that people would be so angry that they wouldn't know what to do.  This is where I make a wonderful connection

In Murder Rebel Radio 45:  Free Cigarettes!

We spoke of the joy of running in a pack.  A pack is kind of like a gang, but they are a more loose confederation of people who have a common cause and are sharing in the travel and nutritional responsibilities. (by nutritional I mean food, it is usually a small amount of rations bought with the loose change and cash that the pack started out with)  They usually need to get somewhere and do something.  

Here is where the formula comes in.

A=The store

B=Refusal to give change 

C=A pack is created.

Now a pack needs more than a few people so here is the Murder Rebel Radio formula for the creation of a pack.

A+15B=C

And this has been theoretical dirtbagging with Murder Rebel Radio.

1.  If you have already heard it, so have I:  I can't claim to know every joke that has ever been told, but there aren't that many variations on the "celebrity death" joke, and I know that your doddering old Grandfather used to get a laugh with "bent it, hell I broke it", but it is the internet age.  I always like to cut the people off after the first 3 words to say "Oh, I've heard this one."  That never works, they just plow through and finish it.  What kind of a joy do you get parroting someone else's lines?  I would also like to say that I can count the amount of of times I have laughed at a photo shopped picture or chain email on less than 1 hand.

2.  We DIDN'T miss the joke:  We don't traffic in poopy and cunt jokes all of the time.  I mean I know its edgy as hell to just say titties after a news story and we all laugh like little boys, but guess what,  We are men, we see tits, and we are not undersexed maniacs that constantly have to talk about our dicks.  If you want that kind of radio it is out there, it is EVERY OTHER RADIO SHOW THAT EXISTS.  We aren't looking for a standard take on any subject, and neither should you.  Where is the fun in traveling down the easy road for a laugh.

That is why you should join with Murder Rebel Radio in a campaign to end the courtesy laugh.  If it bombs let it just sit there.  That person will put more thought in to what they say the next time they open their unfunny mouth.  This is our first phase in a longer war.  Phase 2 involves commenting on any bad facebook joke with "booooooooo" but lets not get ahead of ourselves quite yet.  

1. Get a script. Thats right, collect all the dumb jokes and stupid sayings that you have heard from other idiots or used on someone before that worked. You know the annoying asshole you hate because everyone likes him and laughs at his idiotic personality? STEAL EVERY GOD DAMN TACTIC FROM HIM YOU CAN. This jag off spent his entire life trying to be liked by people, you can cut corners by just copying his pointless existence. Remember to take the low road every time, simple people dont need to be impressed in a complex way. In fact, speaking to the cattle in an intelligent fashion will get you labeled as "weird" or they will remark "I just dont get him". Start categorizing people and have a hefty catalog of prepared responses to the usual interactions you have with this type of person.

Any hourly worker: Just remind them of how many hours until the day is over, complain about being overworked and underpaid, make veiled hints at using drugs or alcohol to get through the pain in life. Not much use for these assholes but there are so many of them you will inevitably see them around and they may actually know a cool person.

Redneck: These guys are tough, you dont want to agree or listen to them but the ignorant bullshit they spout will help you in being able to survive a road trip through the south. They can also be very loyal so if you need someone to "get their ass kicked" you will need cracker loose cannons.

Businessman: Any part of your job or life that has to do with money or decisions about money, really trump it up and always ask their advice. These asswipes love a good yes man and the more you nod your head while they are talking the more they will like you. Use these people for job prospects and free drinks at the bar. Bonus perks if you meet a wannabe, they will do everything in their power to make you think they have some sort of clout.

Any eccentric, artist or weird person: Have a dull converation every time, dont talk to them about being unique or liking anything about them. Act more jaded than they are, these shallow people will then categorize you as "someone who gets it". They are good to have on your side for adventures and weird requests.

Sports fan: These ones are easy, say the name of their team and "im not sure they are going to pull it off".  Let them go on and on repeating the same shit they heard on ESPN and talk radio. Sports fans are mostly useless but there so many of them its a good thing to be able to relate to them, you never know what you may be able to leech out of them. Depending on your location its probably a good idea to pay a minimal amount of attention to the local team, its sad how easy a sports conversation can get someone to like you.

Older people at work: Play the "I wish you were my parent" role but dont ever explicitly say it. Talk to them about life being tough at this age and they will feel so good about being able to spout their wisdom to you. Keep them around to borrow money from and do your best to get in their will in some way.

Bros: They will aggravate you the moment you meet them but they have access to money and connections. Really good for pulling sports betting scams on.

Nerd/Dork/Dweeb/Spaz: Really easy, just pay them some sort of attention, listen intently as they talk endlessly about the most insignificant shit in the world. Good for getting your computer fixed using for rides, borrowing money, and anything else.

These guides arent intended to make your current demeanor more likable, if you are unliked or an outcast that shit has to change. You need to find your ego and make sure it is well fed, the confident overzealous dickhead inside of you must come out. Remember that if you have nothing to say learn to ask questions because getting people to talk about themselves will always work. A huge part of the game is earning trust by never having to say anything.

"We all wake up in our jeans and wonder; Why do my pants smell?  What the fuck did I do last week?  Nobody wants to wash those jeans you have spent 3 weeks breaking in, just spray them with any household cleaner.  If somebody asks why you smell like Pledge just tell them you were huffing it."

That one has got me out of a bind more than once.

"One of the biggest requirements for a successful guy is walking around money.  In the first part of your adult years you have payday lending, we will call that the Golden Age.  What do you do when you owe all of the payday lending places in your city money though?  You could always borrow money from your family, but most of us exhausted that resource well before our adult years.  My advice is to hang around a college, most students are careless with their text books.  Steal 5 and sell them at the local bookstore, that will buy you enough trucker speed and Steel Reserve for at least 2 days."

I never even considered stealing book bags after high school. 

By: Space Wizard

              When you sit at the bar in the early hours of drinking you are likely to find a man that started a few hours before you. It’s shocking because you showed up at 4pm. But sure enough he is 2 hours ahead in booze and 40 years ahead in stories. He relates to you about the modern sports match but you know he is just being friendly. At this point you should indulge this man in as much conversation as possible. You won’t regret it. He can’t really relate with you but through some strange twist of time you can relate to his stories.

              At this point you will call for another round. Now if you’re at the right bar you know the distributors name is “Art”. You like coming here because the bartender is a nice guy who has the local gossip and is a lil heavy handed on the 4 count. He likes that you come to the bar because you listen to his future intentions, which at some point is completely believable. At other points you wouldn’t be shocked if he was fired and ended up washing dishes at max and ermas. But he likes to hand a regular a strong drink so you’re in for the haul.

              As you make your way to the toilet you meet a few guys having a time. One is probably a guy trying to fit in with the crowd, even though he has never been married and is solely fixed on his occupation. You discuss your retirement options with him and he has at least 17 minutes of advice to give. You say thank you and stumble on your way.

              As you exit the bathroom you realize that you know the song blaring from the sound system. This is a good opportunity to let people know how rad you are by screaming the lyrics and dancing with random women in an old English jovial style.

              At this point go smoke and have another jack.

              When you return to the warm confines of your new favorite bar (which is what you will tell your friends that didn’t meet you) repeat. But include more jack and grab assing. Rest assured that everyone there is glad you came.  When someone offers to get you a cab, offer to buy them a couple 5 hour energy drinks and some beer . If they don’t want the party to continue at their place immediately hit them in the gut and run for the door screaming

                “fucking terrorists. I knew it”